Why I deserve to die? Well, no one loves me. No one cares about me. No one sees me as a person. No one checks up on me. No one wants to know me. No one is willing to see me as who I am. I’m also a bitch that no one likes. I’m a piece of shit that everyone can treat like trash. I’m basically nothing. I have no purpose in life. No one needs me. No one wants me. My depression is basically an excuse that people like to ridicule. I just want to die but I enjoy the pain so I don’t have the courage to kill myself. I need someone to kill me. So I don’t have to do it myself.
Everyone with Depression have their own way of expressing what it feels like for them. And for me personally Depression is like a bad friend who tells you that you are a bad person who doesn’t deserve to be happy. It’s like a bully that acts like your friend. Basically, it’s my frenemy. I decided to deal with this so called friend because I didn’t want to be alone. Also, it’s the only friend I have that I don’t know how to let go. It’s a toxic, bad friend.
In the end, I treated it like it’s human that needed someone to talk to and I was that person. So I always listened and said that everything will be okay.
Hopefully, everything will work out. If not then pull yourself up and keep going no matter what.
I’m not a easy person to love. I’m a difficult person to love because I make everything complicated and confusing, especially to the people whom I put a lot of emotions into. Once I put my time and effort to someone, I realize that they don’t love you anymore. Or don’t see you as a person anymore. And that hurts so I would start backing away slowly because I believe that love makes you weak. It made me weak enough that others find clever ways to hurt me. So I began to feel like nothing.
I remember thinking what’s the point. What’s the point of loving someone if they keep hurting you. Or what’s the point if I keep hurting myself from loving the wrong person. So why not put myself away from people before I hurt myself or hurt someone else because the truth is they are better off without me.
Suicidal thoughts had been part of my life since I was a child. I always been fascinated by death. I even thought of million ways to kill myself. Niagara Falls has been a wonderful idea to die because it looks so beautiful to be drowned into I thought. This feeling had been so constant that it feels too much sometimes. Most of the time I lost it flow right through me but other days it keeps coming back wave after wave. It’s like there’s no way I can escape from its embrace. It feels too strong to be ignored.
I know everything feels overwhelming right now
but you have to let these emotions run through you for a moment.
Just let it then breathe. It’s okay not to be okay.
In fact, sing your heart out,
run like a horse,
fly all over the world,
or anything that brings you peace.
Take this time for yourself.
Recover whatever you lost. So you can gain something new.
My body feels like it’s cringing
As if my blood is burning
Just to paralyze me
Only to grab my attention
For a moment,
Everything was fine
Then it happens again
Now my emotions are playing games with me
That I cannot win
If only it doesn’t have to be this way