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Please Don’t Love Me

I’m not a easy person to love. I’m a difficult person to love because I make everything complicated and confusing, especially to the people whom I put a lot of emotions into. Once I put my time and effort to someone, I realize that they don’t love you anymore. Or don’t see you as a person anymore. And that hurts so I would start backing away slowly because I believe that love makes you weak. It made me weak enough that others find clever ways to hurt me. So I began to feel like nothing.

I remember thinking what’s the point. What’s the point of loving someone if they keep hurting you. Or what’s the point if I keep hurting myself from loving the wrong person. So why not put myself away from people before I hurt myself or hurt someone else because the truth is they are better off without me.

Confession #06

I don’t want to be one of those married women who have their husbands cheating on them repeatedly whether they are okay with it or not. I’ve met married men who came up to me trying to initiate sex, companionship, and benefits. These men chooses to cheat but always came back to their wives. The married woman who knows his infidelity and let him do it as long she knows is … I mean they deserve so much better than that. They shouldn’t tolerate such behavior, including those who don’t know about his infidelity.

All I’m saying is that I know I deserve better but always scared that this guy I’m dealing with is cheating on me for someone else. Also, I just don’t want to get hurt again.

What About Us?

You hypnotize me with your words, smiles, and sweet actions

While you talk to others

Making yourself look like an angel

While I look like a devil

You say or do things

To hurt me

As if you don’t care

So what am I to you?

A toy you can play with?

Confession #05

Suicidal thoughts had been part of my life since I was a child. I always been fascinated by death. I even thought of million ways to kill myself. Niagara Falls has been a wonderful idea to die because it looks so beautiful to be drowned into I thought. This feeling had been so constant that it feels too much sometimes. Most of the time I lost it flow right through me but other days it keeps coming back wave after wave. It’s like there’s no way I can escape from its embrace. It feels too strong to be ignored.