I’m lucky to have a 5 months old baby boy whom I absolutely adore. Part of me thinks he is my soulmate but terrified if he will hate me. Maybe it’s my PPD talking but I can’t help to have doubts of my abilities. Yet I want to show him that nothing can stop his mommy to inspire him to reach for the stars. That determination and grit will always pays off. For some random reason, I keep having horrible thoughts of scenarios that can happen. I’m not sure if this is part of PPD or just me. I don’t know how to feel about this at all. I want to make sure I’ll be the best mom for him but am I good enough for him?
Thanks for reading,
My own shadow is trying to catch me
To make me stop
And beg for mercy
While the demons come out and play
To tear down my heart bit by bit
Then let it live
Just to happen again
I have no voice. There’s no one who is willing to listen to me. So why bother talk when people will hurt you in the end. My heart is so broken. I don’t know how to love myself so I like the pain. It’s a addiction. So give me no mercy and put me out to oblivion.
I’m not kind to myself. I enjoy being a bully to myself because I think I deserve it. Pain is all I know. Pain is comfort for me. I would rather be with someone who enjoys hurting me than being with someone who has good intentions. My belief is that I deserve nothing but pain and misery.
When I was junior high, I remember that I will torture myself for the rest of my life. I told myself that I deserve it. So I thought why not. Pain is all I know so why not. Fine. I must admit that I have a problem. My addiction with pain can get bad. My mind likes to torture itself no matter how hard I resist. The monster in me don’t want me to be happy. The angel in me is trying to shout but it’s caged, locked up, and cornered. It’s trapped that she surrendered.
Everything feels so new and fresh
Yet my mind wants to collapse
Earning to live life
While feeling numb
Wanting to love
At the same time you want to disappear
Yet dying on the inside
Alive but dead
Dead but alive
I see your intent a mile away
Hidden from all the pretty things
And your perfect face
You say such wonderful things
Yet do things to hurt me
Why I deserve to die? Well, no one loves me. No one cares about me. No one sees me as a person. No one checks up on me. No one wants to know me. No one is willing to see me as who I am. I’m also a bitch that no one likes. I’m a piece of shit that everyone can treat like trash. I’m basically nothing. I have no purpose in life. No one needs me. No one wants me. My depression is basically an excuse that people like to ridicule. I just want to die but I enjoy the pain so I don’t have the courage to kill myself. I need someone to kill me. So I don’t have to do it myself.