Stream of Consciousness #09

Why I deserve to die? Well, no one loves me. No one cares about me. No one sees me as a person. No one checks up on me. No one wants to know me. No one is willing to see me as who I am. I’m also a bitch that no one likes. I’m a piece of shit that everyone can treat like trash. I’m basically nothing. I have no purpose in life. No one needs me. No one wants me. My depression is basically an excuse that people like to ridicule. I just want to die but I enjoy the pain so I don’t have the courage to kill myself. I need someone to kill me. So I don’t have to do it myself. 

My Letter To You

I’m human and proud to be one. To be human means we are fueled by our emotions but also our intelligence. We can be so much more than fighting for survival. We can fight for each other and honor our name in this world.

Never forget to be kind to each other because that always matters the most.

Peace and love,

Ria ❤

Please Don’t Love Me

I’m not a easy person to love. I’m a difficult person to love because I make everything complicated and confusing, especially to the people whom I put a lot of emotions into. Once I put my time and effort to someone, I realize that they don’t love you anymore. Or don’t see you as a person anymore. And that hurts so I would start backing away slowly because I believe that love makes you weak. It made me weak enough that others find clever ways to hurt me. So I began to feel like nothing.

I remember thinking what’s the point. What’s the point of loving someone if they keep hurting you. Or what’s the point if I keep hurting myself from loving the wrong person. So why not put myself away from people before I hurt myself or hurt someone else because the truth is they are better off without me.

Confession #05

Suicidal thoughts had been part of my life since I was a child. I always been fascinated by death. I even thought of million ways to kill myself. Niagara Falls has been a wonderful idea to die because it looks so beautiful to be drowned into I thought. This feeling had been so constant that it feels too much sometimes. Most of the time I lost it flow right through me but other days it keeps coming back wave after wave. It’s like there’s no way I can escape from its embrace. It feels too strong to be ignored.

Done Believing

You told me to decide so fine. I decide not to believe in anything anymore. I don’t believe in love, faith, hope, or God. Once you believe in something, you will get hurt. And I don’t like getting hurt. So it’s better to pretend everything is okay even though it’s not.

Confession #03

I feel like my emotions shut down. It’s like I can’t feel anything until I read a piece of poetry or watching a clip that explains everything I am actually feeling. That is when my emotions finally shows and it feels both a good release and sad. Now my emotions is riding underneath the surface and not wanting to show until someone angers me. I’m trying to remain calm while focusing on myself.

How To Love

I’ve been broken so many times. Maybe I keep choosing the wrong ones who never cared about me. Maybe I keep turning away the ones who actually cared. Maybe something is wrong with me. In the end, I know I deserve someone better who treats me right. So I can finally learn to love on the right person who is going to stick with me from everything and anything that life throws at us.