I’m lucky to have a 5 months old baby boy whom I absolutely adore. Part of me thinks he is my soulmate but terrified if he will hate me. Maybe it’s my PPD talking but I can’t help to have doubts of my abilities. Yet I want to show him that nothing can stop his mommy to inspire him to reach for the stars. That determination and grit will always pays off. For some random reason, I keep having horrible thoughts of scenarios that can happen. I’m not sure if this is part of PPD or just me. I don’t know how to feel about this at all. I want to make sure I’ll be the best mom for him but am I good enough for him?
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I don’t want to be one of those married women who have their husbands cheating on them repeatedly whether they are okay with it or not. I’ve met married men who came up to me trying to initiate sex, companionship, and benefits. These men chooses to cheat but always came back to their wives. The married woman who knows his infidelity and let him do it as long she knows is … I mean they deserve so much better than that. They shouldn’t tolerate such behavior, including those who don’t know about his infidelity.
All I’m saying is that I know I deserve better but always scared that this guy I’m dealing with is cheating on me for someone else. Also, I just don’t want to get hurt again.
Suicidal thoughts had been part of my life since I was a child. I always been fascinated by death. I even thought of million ways to kill myself. Niagara Falls has been a wonderful idea to die because it looks so beautiful to be drowned into I thought. This feeling had been so constant that it feels too much sometimes. Most of the time I lost it flow right through me but other days it keeps coming back wave after wave. It’s like there’s no way I can escape from its embrace. It feels too strong to be ignored.
I don’t know who I am
Everything about me feel …
Like something is lost
Where’s the person
Who wanted to be everything?
I want me back
I hate being alive. All the pain I’ve gone through feels so much that I’m impressed I lived this long but always searching for it like a moth to a flame. Why did all this happened to me? Is it because I deserve to be mistreated? Is it because I don’t deserve to be happy? Maybe I’m nothing but a wasted space that no one wants to be with. Am I good enough? Smart enough? What am I? And who should I become?
I’m addicted to pain
The only thing I live for
So why not?
Why not cut my heart
In million pieces
To end everything
Make me feel something
Because I know I’m human
So let me feel every sensations
So I can feel again
I’m not looking forward for 2019. Quite frankly, I’m devastated because of doing all the wrong things I’ve done to myself and others.
The last 2 years, I’ve made my life interesting both good and bad. Now I just want to stop and finally settle down into what I want. I must admit I still don’t know what I want. Or maybe I do. Or even what makes me happy but I want to bring back the true, pure form of me that I’ve been hiding away from. It’s time to shine bright for myself. Next year and the following year, I will do something that inspire others to be the best by being the best.
Wake up. Not this again. Wake up! You need to wake up! I know you still have feelings for him. You are just using hostility to lash out and giving him a reason to leave you. I know you like him like A LOT. So much that your hearts hurt when he is not there. So stop pretending and wake up! Wake up damn it! Do I have to slap you?! I know you will regret it so wake up.
Don’t you remember the little girl long ago you wished for this moment. The moment when someone finally choose you and only you. Now look at you. What the hell?! You want this. I know you do. So stop being so cold. People don’t like that. You need to remember again, don’t you. The dream you had and now it’s somewhere hidden in your mind just because you don’t like being hurt.
Maybe. During this time apart, someone else’s poor soul will make you realize that. Realize what you lost.
So please. Just. Wake. Up.