I’m not kind to myself. I enjoy being a bully to myself because I think I deserve it. Pain is all I know. Pain is comfort for me. I would rather be with someone who enjoys hurting me than being with someone who has good intentions. My belief is that I deserve nothing but pain and misery.
When I was junior high, I remember that I will torture myself for the rest of my life. I told myself that I deserve it. So I thought why not. Pain is all I know so why not. Fine. I must admit that I have a problem. My addiction with pain can get bad. My mind likes to torture itself no matter how hard I resist. The monster in me don’t want me to be happy. The angel in me is trying to shout but it’s caged, locked up, and cornered. It’s trapped that she surrendered.